Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the noise i just made

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

marvel comics have peaked

are there any atheist mantises?

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

We all have our pet causes.

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.