Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.