can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
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DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
You better watch out
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Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
#polloftheday
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“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for