Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

North and South

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??