Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

Every house has this drawer

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you