can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
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What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.