can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
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I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I created you as mosquito food.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
i’m sure it’s fine
