God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
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I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
The glory of fall.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”