9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
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Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
security at the airport getting more straightforward
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.