Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.