can’t bark with your mouth full
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Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
they should invent a rest for the wicked
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.