Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

Sorry not sorry.

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?