Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That’s a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist