“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
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At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.