“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
You Might Also Like
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I don’t believe him.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
At least he brought enough for everyone
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??