Can’t. Being lazy.
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I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
peak technology
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.