Can’t. Being lazy.
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why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.