Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

[trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup