Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
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Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
God tier horse name today on the sims
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.