Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

just arby’s bein’ a bro

The fall of Netflix

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.