can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
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Ooooooh.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.