Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.

Is fructose made with real fruct?

i was dropped as an adult

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

Netflix and awkward silence?

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

Plant care tips

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.