Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
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CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”