Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
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I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.