Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

i smell a pulitzer

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

Go gym

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.