Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

Pandas 🐼🖤

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat