Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
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Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.