Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
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Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.