can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
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[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?