Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.