can’t believe I got front row seats
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There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.