can’t believe I got front row seats
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Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.