Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
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Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.