Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
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if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D