Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

thanksgiving should be called feaster

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

Ooh I do like a good funnel

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?