Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
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I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?