Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
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You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best