Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?