Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
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The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.