Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
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HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.