Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
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Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
tfw you realize …
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot