Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
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*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
reduce, reuse, recycle
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening