cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
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Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you