Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.