Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
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Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore