Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

Good morning

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!