Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
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*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I feel this so hard
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Growing up was a huge mistake
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?