Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

Dance like you’re not the father

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

Hot Hot Hot

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

Finally!

[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.