Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
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“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING