Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
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Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I feel seen
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Meow
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other