Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

trivia

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.