Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
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Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
If a snake ate a cake
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number