Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
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My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”