Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
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My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
this is me
I pray every night that I never become religious…
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.