Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
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The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey