Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
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ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.