Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
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one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
the answer to ‘who hurt you’ is usually ‘my front facing camera’
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
incredible
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law