Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

Wolves should really raise more people.

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.