can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
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Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
lmao😭🤣
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
The little toadstool has spoken.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
