can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
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Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
i prefer mine room temperature.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.