Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.