can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
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I like crazy people until they notice me
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
