Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real

humpty dumpty: watch me

[several minutes later]

me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault

Double negatives are never not confusing.

I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office