Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
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Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.