Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
You Might Also Like
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
You know after that whole Humpty Dumpty thing, anytime something broke in the kingdom, haters would say, “Why don’t we let the horses take a look?”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
