Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
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Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house