Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

Doormats are a gateway rug.

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn