Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

LMAO.

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?