Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.