eharmony just matched me with a dozen donuts
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
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there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
“I am going on a trip.” “Mushrooms or acid?”
I can no longer remember if I’m wearing clothes under this huge pile of candy wrappers.
A fax machine is just a surprise printer.