Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
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My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
*pokes sex life with a stick
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
…u ok Nintendo?
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.