Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

Peter Parker Peter Driver

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift