Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
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My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen