My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
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MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP