Can’t believe the Titanic was sunk by a lettuce

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WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say


[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.


Bobby Flay’s sister is pretty big in the dessert game too. Sue Flay.


Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”


In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…


Trainer: have you been sticking to your diet?

Me: *tries to mumble yes but a chicken wing falls out of my mouth*


If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.


They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’


Why would anyone ever think gay people tear apart the fabric of society? They love fabric.


[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*