Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
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Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners