Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man