can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
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dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.