Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

My Sentiments Exactly

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn