Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.